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Most of us have likely encountered one or more “control freaks” in our lives, the people that need to organize things “just so” and ensure everything is done “right.” Candidly, I may even have been accused of being such a person (more than once!).

For me, neither feeling controlled nor being the one that makes others feel controlled is a place I want to be. Especially because I know full well that other people cannot control me, and I cannot control others. The only thing truly within my control is me – more on that later.

Let’s start by unpacking a few of the emotions that can drive behaviors some may interpret as controlling. Uncertainty desires structure, and fear longs for protection.

Pride in things for which we have received praise, like conscientiousness, reliability, attention to detail, and high standards, can make it hard to see that we may easily overuse those strengths.

Feelings of being caught in chaos, in whatever forms in our past, can make seeking stability and safety learned adaptations to unpredictability.

Friction with others arises from an asymmetry of perspective. I see my motivations (though, somewhat problematically, not always consciously the sources of them); others experience my behaviors. If someone interprets my behavior as exerting control, even if I do not mean to do that at all, we are suddenly at an unintended point of conflict.

Frankly, I find this to be a bit of a Catch-22 … I can control my behaviors, but I cannot control how other people receive them. What’s a girl to do?

This brings us back to my control being limited to what is mine alone, which is less limiting than it may sound. More than my behaviors, I control my expectations, emotions, boundaries, values – these are the underpinnings of my responses and actions. With reflection and purposeful choices, I can increase the likelihood that my behaviors will be received in the spirit with which they were intended.

Of course, there is an old saying, “The road to hell is paved with good intentions,” suggesting that simply meaning well is not enough. I agree. Acting in ways that demonstrate – and activate as much as possible for the other person – the well meaning is something I can control.

And, since I can control how I respond to the actions of others, I choose to first assume positive intent in their behaviors. I’ll leave you with another old saying, “Don’t borrow trouble,” meaning don’t invite problems before they come, which I will paraphrase to “Don’t borrow conflict.”

You control your behaviors – act in alignment with your intent. You control your reactions – choose to receive the behaviors of others as not intentionally controlling. There is always more to the story, and the book needs to be open to read it.